JOKES!!!!

Therewas this dog whose owner recently died. The dog wondered who would feed him now?For a solution to this problem the dog decided to look for a job. Walking down mainstreet the dog noticed a help wanted sign in the window. With the sign in mouth thedog approached the proprietor. So your looking for a job, said the owner, well Isuppose that I cannot discriminate against dogs. You must however be able to type.At hearing this the dog jumped up on a chair and began typing with all four paws.Great, said the man, but you must be able to file. The dog next pounced on the filingcabinet and as if digging for a bone he began to sort the files. Fantastic, saidthe man, however we someone who is bilingual. The dog turned to the man, and said,meow!

Había una conferencia en la selva y todos los animales asistieron. Cada animaltenia que hacer reír a la tortuga. Primero el chango (mono) que contó su mejor chistepero ni siquiera sonrió la tortuga. Entonces le mocharon la cabeza del chango. Segundoel conejo también contó su mejor chiste pero no se rió la tortuga. El conejo perdió sucabeza. Tercero el elefante que estaba tan nervioso por ver a sus compadres decapitadosque se le olvido su chiste. Me van a matar, pensó el elefante. Pero de repente seempezó reír, fuertemente, la tortuga. ¿Que pues - dijo el elefante - ni siquiera e contadomi cuento? No es por nada - dijo la tortuga - pero es que me encanto el chiste del chango.

There was this party in the jungle. When the fiesta was over the king of the junglesaid, the ugliest animal in my kingdom must wash the dishes. So the monkey lookedat the orangutan and the orangutan glared back at the monkey and said, don't actstupid you wash and I will dry.

There was this young boy who wanted to learn about the birds and the bees. So, heasked his mother, how he was conceived? Well, said the mother, your father has astick and I have a hole and you father put the stick in the hole and you were givenlife. Oh, said the boy, now I understand. Having satisfied his curiosity he wentfor a walk. By chance he came upon a stick and later he saw a tree with a hole init. Climbing the tree he stuck the stick in the hole and out came a hairy spider.The spider being annoyed with the boy spit at the boy's eyes. The boy screamed atthe spider, and said, you stupid idiot if it wasn't for the fact that you are myson I would kill you.

Numbers like people have parties. The eights for example get together with othereight and have their own fiesta. Well, this was the time of the year for the zeroesto have their own bacchanal. The party got off to a great start. The music was playingand zeroes were dancing and laughing. Then late into the evening a stranger cameto the party. The music stopped and the zeroes were staring at the late comer. Finallysomeone spoke up and said, hey stranger this is a party of zeroes and you don't looklike one of us, why you look more like an eight. Then the intruder said, what isthe matter with you numbers? Haven't you ever seen a zero with a belt on!

One bun said to the other bun, what is all this shit that keeps coming between us?

A boy named Pepito was beginning to take an interest in women. He told his fatherof his situation and the father gave him a fifty dollar bill to go to the red lightdistrict and experience a women. On his way there Pepito ran into his grandmother.Where are you going?, asked the grandmother. My father gave me money to go experiencea female. Don't bother said, granny I will take care of your urges myself. A littlewhile later Pepito left his grandmother with a smile. After he arrived back homethe father asked about his adventure. Oh, said the boy I bumped into my grandmotherand she made me smile. What cried the father, you screwed my mother??!!! What isthe problem, asked Pepito, your always screwing my mother and you don't, find mecomplaining.

So there were these four brothers riding a camel. One was on the neck, the otheron the front part of the hump the next behind the hump and the last hanging off therump of the camel. The brother near the head of the camel noticed that the animalwas crying and he said to this brother behind him-brother the camel is crying, thebrother in front the hump told the brother behind the hump-the camel is crying- thebrother behind the hump told the brother hanging off the rump-the camel is cryingand he said-Well I don't give a Damn, because if I pull it out I will fall off.

So this Mexican lady flew to the U.S. and after some years she flew back to her smallhome town. Waiting there for her was her family and the parish priest. When the womangot off the plane the priest ask the lady what she had work at during her hiatus.She said-father I worked as a prostitute-. Upon hearing this the priest began slappingthe poor woman and calling her an evil female. But out the corner of his eye he sawa corvette, furs and bags of money being unloaded from the plane. What did you sayyou did in the U.S.?-asked the priest. Weeping the woman said-I was a prostitute,father-. Oh, said the priest I thought you said a Protestant.

So this man had a problem with his right hand it would not stop shaking. One dayhe came upon a genie and he gave the man three wishes. -I would like you to makemy hand like the other-said the man. Puff, and his left hand began to shake. No,the reverse of this-cried the man.. Puff , instead of pointing down the mans handspointed towards the sky and they kept on shaking. -No, correctly, stupid!-yelledthe man. Puff, the man's whole body began shaking and he acted like a stupid fool.

A rabbit was desperately cold and looking for shelter. He spied a cave and foundlodging there. The cave was pitch dark so the rabbit felt his way to the back ofthe cave and rolled himself into a tight ball. Unknown to the rabbit was the factthat was the lion's lair. Soon the lion awoke and smelt meat. There is a meal inmy cave thought the lion. Feeling his way around he searched for his next meal. Finallyhe placed his whole paw over the rabbit. Then the rabbit said in his lowest voice-whoput their hand on my nut!

A waiter served a bowl of soup to a customer with this thumb in the broth. The customernoticed this and exclaimed -Why is your damn finger in my damn soup? -Oh said thewaiter- I recently cut my finger and it got infected so I went to the doctor. Hetold me to keep the wound in a warm and moist place. - So the irritated customersaid- so why don't you stick your infected thumb up your ass? - The waiter said-Well as a matter of fact that is where I had it before I served your dish-.

Why do seagullslive by the sea? Answer because, if they lived by the bay they would be called bagels.

So a nun and a priest are riding through the desert on a camel when the camel collapses anddies. The father looks at the nun and said-this situation does not look very promising-.No it does not -agreed the sister. Say, said the priest -since this is the end ofthe line would you mine showing me your breasts? I suppose not- said the nun. Wow,they are wonderful can I touch them? -Said the priest. Go ahead-said the nun. Youknow I have never seen a male penis, could I see yours? -Said the nun. Why, sure-said the priest. Oh my, can I touch it- said the sister. You may -said the priest.By now the priest was getting quite exited- and said- sister if I put this penisof mine in special place it brings forth life. Really! -Said the nun-So why don'tyou sick it up the camels asshole then we can get the hell out of here.

This is a reminder of the joke of the bimbo and the unconscious almost drowned man.The punch line is, LALALALAAALALALA.

There was this traveling salesman driving down a country road when he noticed a manin a field violating a sheep. This frightened the man and he stopped at the firstfarm house he found. He knocked on the door and a young boy answered. Hey, -saidthe man-there is a man on your land violating your sheep. Baa -said the boy- thatis ok, Baa that's my dad.

So there was this German, Mexican and Japanese technocrats comparing their respectivecountry's technology. We Germans have cellular phone the size of a human thumb -saidthe German. With that he talk out a thumb sized phone dialed a number and began speakingin German. Wow -said the Japanese- incredible -said the Mexican. But we-said theJapanese a cellular phone the size on a fingernail. Having said that he took outa fingernail-sized phone out of his pocket dialed a number and began speaking inJapanese. Wow -said the German- incredible -said the Mexican. We to have something-said the Mexican- with that he took his hat off and pulled an antenna wire out fromthe back of his head. With his tongue he dialed by pushing on individual teeth andhe began speaking in Spanish. Wow -said the German- incredible -said the Japanese.And that is not all -said the Mexican - with that he dropped his pants and lookingas though he was going to take a dump -he said- wait a minute here comes the fax.

Remember the joke of the three mariachi's

Remeber the joke with the pistol in the underware.

Remeber the joke with Jose Campos and the baby.

Remeber swinging the white gorilla, soil himself, lion slipping on mierda,.

Remeber the nut stuck in the monkeys bung hole.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns. Because they taste funny.

Remeber the joke of superman and wonder woman.